Is it worth it to desperately be with your idols?
There are moments that are still fresh in my mind, such as the time when I:
- was like 7 or whatever years old and am alone in the house crying for mama,
- or that time when I executed nothing for the school paper after taking the helm despite planning for it;
- or not wanting to finish high school because I just don’t feel going — instead, I spend my time in the internet cafe doing stuff;
but even so, I still have the memory of meeting my inspirations — my idols — in person. It’s as fresh as the fish sold in the market at 3:00 am.
Marikina City, 2011. I attended the SM Cyberzone’s Women of Cosplay event. I was that novice kid who was aiming to build my own brand. I come up with a lot of names: jpaonline, 12circles (or its shorthand TC).
Alodia Gosiengfiao was there as one of the guests. As far as I remember, there was this moment where I gave her a pin — a black pin with the letters “TC” in it.
After the event, I proceed to follow her as she goes down to the basement and into her car going home. I remember waving goodbye to her as I stand just behind the entrance of SM Marikina’s basement level. Afterward, I went back up, thinking if she received my gift.
This is at a time when I actually want to be noticed — instant gratification. I haven’t been fully indoctrinated to the likes of GamerTotoy, and I haven’t realized that some actions may lead to huge consequences.
All that I want is to be noticed.
A few years later, I felt enlightened after weighing out the talking heads which are GamerTotoy and Alodia’s supporters. I felt empowered to say what I want to speak. I want to be a thought leader. So I did.
I learned a few things in this journey. I realized that most of the time I won’t be on the same pedestal as my idols. I won’t be able to communicate with them without me being awkward.
Yes, there’s Alodia, Myrtle, et cetera; but then again, my shyness tells me that even if I get inspired by them, I can’t communicate confidently to them. I have this kind of anxiety, you know.
I felt that I’m not worthy.
Another story: There’s this one time when I was trying to get the attention of a popular personality just by raising my hand, throwing hand signals that meant “can I take a picture?,” but then the said personality politely told me that she’s on a rush, to which I say “It’s ok” because it should be ok not to invade on someone’s personal space. Huwag mamilit kung ayaw — don’t force anyone if they don’t want to (or they can’t because of reasons).
This is why I don’t get the white knights or sasaeng (a Korean term describing an “over-obsessive fan of a Korean idol, or other public figures”) most of the time. I don’t get it why you want to be so close with your idols. I don’t get why some people just want to be them.
I especially don’t get some people who want to be close to their idols and then bash them once they are ignored. To me, that’s being a dick — and I don’t want to be called a dick or a harasser just because my idols ignored me.
I am competing with lots of fans, and it will be worthless for me to tread into something I can’t invest my time and resources fully. So I distance myself. If your idol ignored you, please understand this as well as personal space.
In contrast, I get to talk to idols; but it’s not that I don’t feel to be close with them, it’s just that I treat them as a fellow human, and maybe they want to have their personal space too.
That said, I deeply appreciate the fact that I have friends who continue to talk to me (and let me talk to them); who continue to follow what I share, what I like, etc. This is the reason why I continue to do what I do.
Fast forward to 2018, a friend talks to me saying it sometimes get envious of me as I go to events in different places, and I get to meet people who I eventually send friend requests on Facebook.
My friend’s lamenting that going to an event is a requirement for personalities to add them to their list of friends, which pisses my friend off. My friend lives miles away from the capital.
I replied: “I may retire from doing these things soon.” It’s my way of telling my friend, “don’t feel bad about it.” Of course, if you don’t understand this reply, I was thinking my friend didn’t too.
It’s hard to explain when you are trying to convey your message — your advice — to a person struggling in dealing with people they adore…especially if you’ve been through that phase.
I told my friend, “You try to weigh in if it’s worth it to complain about it because if the one you adore doesn’t notice you, it means there’s someone much worthy of your attention.”
“Happiness must be your focus. If you are not worthy of other people’s attention, then they’re not worthy of your attention. And that is normal.”
I don’t want to put everyone’s mood down, but I have to say that I gave up on understanding my friend eventually. I too have to deal with other problems and I’m not that strong enough to comfort my friend at that time. Don’t envy me, I’m weak too, you know.
From 2010, I built my personality to be a thought leader, someone who can network with people in my circles. I even chose to get a Mass Communications degree because of this decision.
Just before I graduate in 2015, I went back to being a thought follower. I account myself and my choices for my mistakes which led to a heavy consequence of building my reputation back up. This leads me to burn a few bridges. I blamed people more than I blame myself.
I went back solo, just as when I was alone in an apartment way back before, building what will be my next venture.
When all the dust was settled, a few bridges were rebuilt. I think I’ve stated my point in this regard. Catch you soon.